Some of Conrad’s Poems

I’ve got a silly daddy

He puts cornflakes in the kettle
And guess what he likes eating best –
A bowl of stinging nettles.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He wears trousers on his head
And just before he goes to work
He paints his eyebrows red.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He drinks mugs of margarine
And some days pours his cup of tea
Inside our washing machine.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He pats his car goodnight
He reads it bedtime stories
Then switches off the light.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He rides his bike up trees
And when we’re at the seaside
He rides into the sea.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He hides under my bed
And when it’s time for sleeping
He jumps onto my head.

I’ve got a silly daddy
I wouldn’t swap him for the world
He’s my silly daddy
And I’m his little girl.

From: ‘The Hungrumptious Blumpfh and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

Captain Cut-throat

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Filthy beard full of fleas
Mouth a wicked, evil sneer
He’s the pirate people fear.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Clothed in sickness and disease
Putrid warts stick to his skin
Pus-filled sores burst on his chin.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Crooked back and knobbly knees
Teeth turned black and falling out
Feet dark green with rotten gout.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Stinky feet of mouldy cheese
Dirty, sweaty, scabby toes
Creatures crawling up his nose.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Never says thank you, never says please
Shouts at shipmates, whips them too,
Hated by his villainous crew.

Captain Cut-throat sailed the seas
Crafty pirates stole his keys
Locked him up and sank the boat
Poor old Captain Cut-throat.

From ‘Teachers Pick their Noses and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

I like reading

I like reading in my bed
I like reading on my chair
I like reading in the garden
I like reading everywhere
I like reading on the train
I like reading in the car
I like reading in the kitchen
I like reading near and far
I like reading in the cellar
I like reading in the hall
I like reading in the attic
I read anywhere at all
But guess where I like reading best?
Guess what I most like to do?
I like reading in the bathroom
Whilst I’m sitting on the loo!

From: ‘The Baked Bean Queen and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

Elephant Sleepover

An elephant came for a sleepover
And jumped into my bed
I never saw him coming ‘til
He landed on my head

So now my head is flattened
My bed is broken too
And as for Mr Elephant?
He’s gone back to the zoo

From: ‘Supersonic Gran and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

What makes me different?

    • Fun and engaging
    • Over 10 years’ experience
    • DBS certified
    • Nursery – Year 6
    • Poet, Storyteller and Writer
    • Teacher trainer
    • Visited over 200 schools

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Written by my friend, Peter Robinson, for my birthday today. It's flipping brilliant! ... See MoreSee Less

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I'm at Castleford Library waiting to do a storytelling workshop. The three crowd members so far are rather familiar😀.

I ran some workshops here last summer. One of the boys who came was called Peter. He attended as part of his Children's University course where he had to do 1000 hours. At the end he'd to pick his favourite moment.

He picked my workshop. How special do I feel?!
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Facebook keeps reminding me of our 40th last year. In light of that, plus the fact that I have a poetry book to write by the end of the month, here's a poem about mi twin bruv, Phil.

My identical twin

I'm his twin and he's my twin
And when I lose it means he wins
And when he wins it means I lose
And we both have the same sized shoes

I'm his twin and he's my twin
My face is round his face is thin
My waist is big his waist is small
We're both six and a bit feet tall

I'm his twin and he's my twin
On stage he's shy on stage I sing
He writes with left I write with right
At maths we've always both been bright

I'm his twin and he's my twin
Our brother's Ol our mum is Lynne
In photos taken years ago
Which twin is which? Nobody knows

I'm his twin and he's my twin
I'm like his yang and he's my yin
I know his thoughts he knows mine too
We're miles apart yet stick like glue

I'm his twin and he's my twin
It's really quite a glorious thing
For 40 years we've been this way
I wouldn't change a single day

(Except the day he broke a snooker cue on my back...)
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Mabel keeps telling me about the 'turtle on my knee' in the song Attention. I couldn't believe that was right, but she assured me it was. I've just looked it up - 'throwin' that dirt all on my name' isn't nearly as good as Mabel's invention 😀 ... See MoreSee Less

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Check out Wakefield Libraries getting in on the rhymes! Good work 😀 ... See MoreSee Less

You know that you'll have a great time With story and rhythm and rhyme, When Conrad is here- He's due to appear on the stroke of the two o'clock chime! Conrad Burdekin! enjoy a great afternoon of fun with words.

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