Some of Conrad’s Poems

I’ve got a silly daddy

He puts cornflakes in the kettle
And guess what he likes eating best –
A bowl of stinging nettles.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He wears trousers on his head
And just before he goes to work
He paints his eyebrows red.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He drinks mugs of margarine
And some days pours his cup of tea
Inside our washing machine.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He pats his car goodnight
He reads it bedtime stories
Then switches off the light.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He rides his bike up trees
And when we’re at the seaside
He rides into the sea.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He hides under my bed
And when it’s time for sleeping
He jumps onto my head.

I’ve got a silly daddy
I wouldn’t swap him for the world
He’s my silly daddy
And I’m his little girl.

From: ‘The Hungrumptious Blumpfh and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

Captain Cut-throat

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Filthy beard full of fleas
Mouth a wicked, evil sneer
He’s the pirate people fear.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Clothed in sickness and disease
Putrid warts stick to his skin
Pus-filled sores burst on his chin.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Crooked back and knobbly knees
Teeth turned black and falling out
Feet dark green with rotten gout.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Stinky feet of mouldy cheese
Dirty, sweaty, scabby toes
Creatures crawling up his nose.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Never says thank you, never says please
Shouts at shipmates, whips them too,
Hated by his villainous crew.

Captain Cut-throat sailed the seas
Crafty pirates stole his keys
Locked him up and sank the boat
Poor old Captain Cut-throat.

From ‘Teachers Pick their Noses and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

I like reading

I like reading in my bed
I like reading on my chair
I like reading in the garden
I like reading everywhere
I like reading on the train
I like reading in the car
I like reading in the kitchen
I like reading near and far
I like reading in the cellar
I like reading in the hall
I like reading in the attic
I read anywhere at all
But guess where I like reading best?
Guess what I most like to do?
I like reading in the bathroom
Whilst I’m sitting on the loo!

From: ‘The Baked Bean Queen and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

Elephant Sleepover

An elephant came for a sleepover
And jumped into my bed
I never saw him coming ‘til
He landed on my head

So now my head is flattened
My bed is broken too
And as for Mr Elephant?
He’s gone back to the zoo

From: ‘Supersonic Gran and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

What makes me different?

    • Fun and engaging
    • Over 10 years’ experience
    • DBS certified
    • Nursery – Year 6
    • Poet, Storyteller and Writer
    • Teacher trainer
    • Visited over 200 schools


Really need to get rid of our fridge freezer now. Will take £150. Bought for over £500 just over a year ago. Perfect working order - excellent extra for a garage or perfect for the kitchen. Let me know ASAP ... See MoreSee Less

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On holiday in Northumberland. I’ve found a rather nice writing spot. I also heard a fun tale involving a friend’s little daughter - inspiration hit. Enjoy!

Maisy’s Jumper

Little baby Ivy
Splashing in the bath
Cousin Maisy’s helping
Making Ivy laugh

First she puts some bubbles
High on Ivy’s head
Then a game of peekaboo
Before it’s time for bed

But just as bath time’s ending
Baby Ivy stops
She grunts and groans and pushes hard...
Plop! Plop! Plop!

“Mum!” yells Maisy, “gross! Oh yuck!
Look what Ivy’s done!”
The evidence is floating round -
It’s not a number one!

Ivy shoots a hand out
And grabs a pile of poo
This cute and gorgeous baby knows
Exactly what to do

She throws her missile through the air
Straight at cousin Maisy
It lands on Maisy’s brand new jumper -
Poor girl just goes crazy

“Help!” screams Maisy. “Get it off!
I think I’m going to vom.”
Maisy’s mum comes running in
To see what’s going on

She starts to laugh - she cannot stop -
Tears run down her cheeks
It is by far the funniest thing
That she has seen for weeks

And as for baby Ivy?
She giggles: “Ooh ooh, eee!”
Sits down with satisfaction...
...And fills the bath with wee!
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One of my best friends set up a school in Zimbabwe last year. I got this message just now - can anyone help?


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The ups and downs of a Panini collector... ... See MoreSee Less

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We have 3 lovely guinea pigs - Tomato, Sponge and Foxy Mae. But our girls are allergic to them and, since we’ve got Pebbles (our dog) they don’t get much of a look in.

We’ve taken the tough decision to re-home them once we get back off our holidays. But we want them to go somewhere they’ll be loved and looked after.

We have an outdoor cage, cage cover, water bottle along with the guinea pigs themselves. They are lovely pets - never bitey- but just not right for us Burdekins anymore 😞.

If you’re interested, please let us know. We don’t want any money for them - just lots of love.


Con and Clare

*They live in the garden at ours but can also be housed indoors*
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High Bank Hi Jinks!

I was back at one of my favourite schools today - High Bank in Liversedge. It was them, remember, for whom we collected all those books earlier in the year. I just LOVE this school. I was reminded once again...