Some of Conrad’s Poems

I’ve got a silly daddy

He puts cornflakes in the kettle
And guess what he likes eating best –
A bowl of stinging nettles.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He wears trousers on his head
And just before he goes to work
He paints his eyebrows red.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He drinks mugs of margarine
And some days pours his cup of tea
Inside our washing machine.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He pats his car goodnight
He reads it bedtime stories
Then switches off the light.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He rides his bike up trees
And when we’re at the seaside
He rides into the sea.

I’ve got a silly daddy
He hides under my bed
And when it’s time for sleeping
He jumps onto my head.

I’ve got a silly daddy
I wouldn’t swap him for the world
He’s my silly daddy
And I’m his little girl.

From: ‘The Hungrumptious Blumpfh and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

Captain Cut-throat

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Filthy beard full of fleas
Mouth a wicked, evil sneer
He’s the pirate people fear.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Clothed in sickness and disease
Putrid warts stick to his skin
Pus-filled sores burst on his chin.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Crooked back and knobbly knees
Teeth turned black and falling out
Feet dark green with rotten gout.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Stinky feet of mouldy cheese
Dirty, sweaty, scabby toes
Creatures crawling up his nose.

Captain Cut-throat sails the seas
Never says thank you, never says please
Shouts at shipmates, whips them too,
Hated by his villainous crew.

Captain Cut-throat sailed the seas
Crafty pirates stole his keys
Locked him up and sank the boat
Poor old Captain Cut-throat.

From ‘Teachers Pick their Noses and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

I like reading

I like reading in my bed
I like reading on my chair
I like reading in the garden
I like reading everywhere
I like reading on the train
I like reading in the car
I like reading in the kitchen
I like reading near and far
I like reading in the cellar
I like reading in the hall
I like reading in the attic
I read anywhere at all
But guess where I like reading best?
Guess what I most like to do?
I like reading in the bathroom
Whilst I’m sitting on the loo!

From: ‘The Baked Bean Queen and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

Elephant Sleepover

An elephant came for a sleepover
And jumped into my bed
I never saw him coming ‘til
He landed on my head

So now my head is flattened
My bed is broken too
And as for Mr Elephant?
He’s gone back to the zoo

From: ‘Supersonic Gran and Other Poems’ by Conrad Burdekin

What makes me different?

    • Fun and engaging
    • Over 10 years’ experience
    • DBS certified
    • Nursery – Year 6
    • Poet, Storyteller and Writer
    • Teacher trainer
    • Visited over 200 schools

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I’ve just delivered books to an estate near our house. For a cricket lover like me, it was quite a find! ... See MoreSee Less

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Final panto tickets update.

4 left Monday 27th
12 left Thursday 30th

That is all
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*Final Panto Announcement*

If you’ve ordered tickets from me, please let me know when / where I can get them to you and I’ll let you know how you can pay. I’m happy to deliver the local ones or post out tickets to those further afield.

If you would still like tickets there are still some left for Monday / Tuesday / Thursday night. I think a few left for Friday / Saturday night too.

Come along - it’s a great way to get into the Christmas spirit, and a lot of fun. Plus, there’s ice cream!
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The BFG visited Violet and Mabel’s school today. His planned visit was announced yesterday. Violet quickly worked out who it would be, but Mabel didn’t.

“How will he fit in our school, daddy?” she asked, as Violet winked knowingly in my direction. Violet was SO excited last night to be in on the secret.

“You’ve got the best job ever,” she squealed this morning.

And you know what? On days like these I really have. The look of pure joy on Mabel’s face whilst I was clowning around in assembly was something that I’ll never forget.

I like being the BFG - he’s friendly and funny and kind, and, rather usefully, his brain is all scrambled - just like mine.

This may be the last chance I ever get to work with any of my girls in school, and if it turns out to be that way, then what a fine way to bow out.

They were SO excited and SO proud.

Just like their dad.

*Just before this photo was taken, the BFG said: “I is thinking you girls must be having a very nice dad.” They nodded furiously. I noticed the BFG smiled bigger than ever. And was that a hint of a tear in his eye...?!*
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High Bank Hi Jinks!

I was back at one of my favourite schools today - High Bank in Liversedge. It was them, remember, for whom we collected all those books earlier in the year. I just LOVE this school. I was reminded once again...